Only a few years ago when I started my wordpress blog I was a very hardcore and intense atheist. My views were quite steadfast and I believe bred in part of a desire to strongly believe in my own reasoning as the most powerful force in the world. I held my own ability to think and understand as capable of solving all of the problems in the world in and of itself. I had a couple of very humbling experiences over the past year that truly made me realize that by myself I am stuck. I am continually stuck in relationships that can not improve, social roles that are insipid and fail to excite and lacking growth. For all of my appeal to reason, I felt stagnant without faith and unable to advance myself.
Additionally, I was resentful after the death of my mother and didn’t want to even consider a higher power that could allow something to befall such a good and kind person. Just last week, I read C.S Lewis’s A Grief Observed and some of his profound observations about grief have truly stuck with me since. It is so easy to in theory speak of the higher purpose of death and the afterlife, but when someone you know and love is stripped away from this earth it is excruciating and very difficult to calmly rationalize away. I realize, however, that without faith even the memory of my mother had grown more distant. As a mere body in the dirt, her legacy had decayed to a place of mere ceremonial importance. Faith was vital in maintaining an enduring and more eternal place for her in my life.
Over the last summer in China, I had some incredibly conversations about religion and faith with my Chinese instructor Charles. He is a convert to christianity and spoke with much sense and passion despite my stubborn arrogance. These conversations made a deep impression on me. I have actually yet to speak to him since the summer and truly mean to let him know how much those conversations meant to me. They didn’t persuade me in any particular direction but I do think that seeing his faith and its positive impact truly made me desire faith in a way that I had not before.
While in China I looked for a more general form of panspirituality and really found so much beauty in the power of buddism, taoism and other faiths. Visiting holy shrines throughout, however, these religions felt incomplete, jumbled and theologically unorganized. I did not feel that I could truly satisfy my thirst for knowledge through these faith structures.
At the same time, I was in a relationship with my friend Tatiana throughout the summer and though it was truly a complex series of events leading me to do so, began to investigate her church ( Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints). I can’t say, that I didn’t at first go more out of a desire to find out more about her faith and to try to salvage a souring relationship, but I quickly became interested. After the first time I went to church with her, she had a job interview at the Apple Store on Boylston Street in Boston and I went to the Barnes and Noble in the Prudential Center and began to read books such as Mormonism for dummies and beginners guide to Mormonism.
To be honest, I had not really known much about the church theology only its history. I had come to believe that its prophet Joseph Smith was a fraud and a manipulator of men and that the church was hierarchal and overly strict in controlling the behavior of individuals such as banning the consumption of alcohol. I hated how Dogminded Tatiana seemed on so many issues and how she viewed them as black and white and I felt that these stemmed from her faith.
Yet, I was absolutely blown away by the elegance and logic of the theology I was reading. Instantly, I began to feel the logic in so many of the church ideas such as the pre-existence of the spirit ( coinciding so well with our experience of meeting someone for the first time and feeling that we have known each other for an eternity) as well as the notion of an eternal family. I also felt that theodicy was better addressed in the LDS faith as we were able to grow much as spirits and came to earth for the supplemental growth we required. Additionally, we are able to grow after we die and thus those with short lives will not be unable to reach full potential as individuals. Thus, a lot of the problems I held with the idea of small children being born merely into a life of suffering were at least in part answered. Moreover, I do feel that LDS theology very efficiently does answer the christian problem of what happens to those who never had a chance to hear of christ and his existence. Viewing heaven in the sense of degrees of glory allows for individuals to grow in purity while not of the christian faith and then to ultimately come to god after death. Their living experiences of good will essentially set them up for a powerful faith when it arrises. Yet, we can grow faster and more full in this life through the right faith. We can live the most rewarding life and improve ourselves through faith in christ. This does seem like at least the resemblance of a solution to the biggest of Christian problems.
Thus, I was intellectually take by the church and I began to attend excitedly. Yet, so many things still bothered me and I lacked a true sort of faith beyond curiosity. I found out a lot of things that truly upset me such as the fact that only LDS can attend weddings inside temples. The church involvement in the political campaign over proposition 8 also seriously tarnished my view of it And I realize that this was never a faith I could choose on my own without already having belief.
Yet, faith is not about preference or what one wants but about truth. In the past, as I crafted my own ideal liberal faith with a truly non-judgmental deity, I drifted further towards atheism because the deity was my own and nothing resembling a truth. Thus, I soon replaced the deity with my own reasoning and understanding. Fortunately, I was now able to establish a degree of faith I never had been able to before. One evening at around 10pm after a few weeks of investigating the church I got this incredibly strong desire to go to the outside of the Mormon Temple near boston and to see it. As I drove ther with Tatiana, I felt a powerful spiritual energy beyond anything I had felt before. I felt literally spoken to as my whole body filled with power. It was moving and incredible. Being the sceptic that I am, I wanted to go to other nearby churches to see if they would replicate the feeling. There was a nearby catholic church and protestant church of some denomination ( I am not sure). The Catholic church gave me the creepiest and most draining vibe, while the protestant church left me feeling not much at all. As I went back to the Temple I walked of to the side and knelt facing one of the brightly illuminated lights and prayed to God to fill be with that same warmth and energy. To be with me and to guide me in my life and to help improve me and build me into the person he wanted me to be. There was a pretty drastic instant change as I went back to walk to the car with Tatiana. I felt like a different person and it felt with her that I was speaking for the first time despite having known her for years. I felt an equal or even a better on many levels whereas before she had often made me feel inferior and not up to her level. My exalted feeling wore off over the next few days and has remained a less perceptible shift.
A lot of other aspects of the faith. Especially believe in Christ took longer to grow. In many ways, they are still growing. As I engage in conversation with missionaries as well as LDS members and friends of other faiths I grow in my testament and understand of Christ and his sacrifice. Yet, the process has been a truly incredible one and I have enjoyed it on a deep level.
I have yet to be baptized as my father has voiced very intense opposition as one would expect from a Jewish father hearing of his son’s interest in conversion. He views this as an attack on him and his ancestry, not realizing that my faith has brought me closer to Judaism and actually grown my Jewish identity in a way it could not while I was an Atheist. I am currently in London as I said before and going to wait till a bit later in the program after attending services here for a while to convert officially.
If anyone reading this would like to talk about faith or has any other questions for me about my transformation or process I would be very glad to speak about it. I relish conversation on the topic and look to grow from your views and perspectives.
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